What most experts don’t tell you about changing habits

Written by Alex Poeter

Think about the times you’ve tried to change a habit that was holding you back, and how the new habit didn’t stick. There is a widely shared understanding that it can take up to three months to develop a new habit. However, I’ve found that there is a powerful force at play that can sabotage our efforts. While it can be impactful to practice a new behavior over a certain period of time so it becomes embodied, if the new behavior doesn’t align with our deeper sense of identity, it’s likely not going to stick.

For example, if we want to take our career or our leadership development to the next level by doing things in new ways but we can’t really see ourselves in a new role with new behaviors, we’ll stay stuck in old behavior. So, if the new behavior we want to embody isn’t aligned with an updated version of our identity, we’ll maintain the behavior that matches our old identity.

If we want to achieve a goal that requires us to develop new behavior, we have to get clear about what kind of person we need to become to embody that behavior. This can sometimes be challenging if we’ve embodied a certain identity that has been reinforced for many years by what others have been expecting from us, but also by what we’ve been expecting from ourselves.

To help you in this process, think about the new behaviors you want to embody that align with your goal, and then complete one of the following sentences with the new behaviors:

"I'm someone who ... (fill in the blank)" or

"I'm the kind of person that ... (fill in the blank)"

Now, check in with yourself to see which sentences feel exciting and which feel a little scary. Also, get clear about which sentences don’t sound or feel believable to you. Then keep adjusting the sentences so that they all feel exciting, inspiring, and believable to you.

You’re the author here. This is not about adopting beliefs that don’t feel true for you. However, by doing an exercise like this, you can hone your vision of the life you want to lead, and create a new sense of identity that matches your desires in a way that works for you. It just requires getting a sense of what feels authentic to you. Also, this is about leaning into your growth edge, so there might be some discomfort coming up. But in the end you should feel excited and inspired enough to start practicing your “new identity”.

If this sounds hard, remember that you’ve done this before, even if it wasn't consciously. Just think of an example from your past where you were able to achieve a big goal. And then consider what you needed to believe about who you truly are and what’s possible for you so you could reach that goal.

This is a process – changing your identity usually doesn’t happen overnight. But if you keep at it, you’ll be surprised at the changes you’ll start to notice and the new opportunities that will start showing up – opportunities that fully align with your new sense of identity.