What to do when someone triggers you
Written by Alex Poeter
Can you think of a time when you reacted defensively after someone questioned your abilities or criticized you in a way that made you feel shut down? This dynamic often plays out when someone we’re interacting with projects their insecurities, fears or pains onto us. They show up from a place of limiting assumptions, judgment, fear or scarcity as opposed to curiosity and an open mind. And if this is a dynamic that’s part of a relationship pattern we share with someone, it’s likely to keep recreating negative experiences for us. Here are some ideas I’ve found quite helpful for dealing with these types of trigger patterns.
The first thing to understand is that when this happens, it’s usually not about us. However, because we have our own insecurities, someone projecting their insecurities onto us tends to trigger ours. This makes it more likely that we automatically assume we did something wrong. But if we can tap into our sense of compassion in these moments, we can see that the actions of the other person are coming from their pain and are about them, not us.
The next step is to become curious about our own embodied pains, fears and insecurities that are impacting our responses. We might ask ourselves:
Why do I feel reactive and defensive?
What’s the fear behind my reaction?
What part of me is feeling threatened right now, and why?
What are my beliefs and assumptions about this?
This helps us become aware of our own trigger patterns, and allows us to see the beliefs and assumptions that keep them in place. It also allows us to create some distance so we can observe what’s going on instead of automatically shifting into “default behavior” whenever these patterns get triggered.
Finally, because it’s challenging to have a positive communication experience when we’re in a triggered emotional state, it’s important to interrupt the pattern in the moment. One option is to let the other person know that we’ll process what they shared and respond at a later time. This can quickly deescalate the situation. Another option is to try to become present and respond from a place of curiosity, positive expectations and possibility. This allows us to see beyond the other person’s insecurities and not respond to their behavior but to the opportunity for growth and learning the situation is providing. While this might not always be easy to pull off, if we can stay open to seeing opportunities for deeper transformation, we’re more likely to notice them.
The key is to remind yourself that trigger patterns can be interrupted and transformed. But it requires presence and awareness. While we can't really control another person being triggered, we can decide how we want to respond -- if we're able to recognize our own trigger patterns. Doing this will give you tremendous leverage for creating healthier interactions with others.